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The Complete Every Mistake In The Book Series:
“One house, One Spouse, One Job”
That is one of the basic tenets of financial teachings by the FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) community and its rationale is wonderfully summarized here by WCI. Even if one’s goal is not to retire early, it is wise to follow.
So please continue to follow this story as young, naive Xrayvsn proceeded to commit financial cardinal sin by breaking each and every component of this primary FIRE doctrine.
Mistake #7b (One Spouse):
Unfortunately even though I had just survived a grueling divorce proceeding with my now ex-wife, I still could not financially extricate myself from her grasp.
Not happy with the cash grab/lottery winnings the judge awarded them from the divorce, my ex and her lawyer decided to file a civil lawsuit against me saying she was now emotionally damaged and asked for a whopping $4 million award with a jury trial (technically they filed while the divorce was going on, employing a page out of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War
This next chapter consumed two additional years and incurred additional legal fees to defend.
The jury trial lasted an entire week (I often kidded that some murder trials didn’t even last as long). At the end of the hearing the jury awarded her the grand sum of $0.00.
Even though I won I felt like a loser.
During this time all I could do was set aside money in a savings account afraid to invest or do anything productive with it for fear that I would need it for a potential settlement as well as my ongoing legal fees.
I felt like I was in financial and emotional purgatory, with the DVR button pressed on pause at absolutely the worst moments in my life story.
During the course of the trial preparation and hearing I had to take time off from work and actually pay someone to cover for my normal physician duties.
Estimated Hit to Net Worth:
- The legal fees for this proceeding totaled $125k
- Cost of coverage/lost potential earnings estimated at $25k
Afterword:
As I had mentioned in previous posts I had noticed behavioral changes with my now ex-wife.
Several years after the divorce this apparently spiraled down even further to the point where legal intervention occurred and my daughter was extricated from her household.
My ex finally received the correct medical diagnosis I had been pleading to deaf ears throughout my ordeal but to no avail.
At this point I fought for, and successfully received full custody of my daughter, who has now been living with me since age 10 (from age 4 to 10 I had no contact with her and didn’t even know what she looked like (that was hands down the biggest loss from the divorce)).
These proceedings also incurred further legal costs and required me to again miss time off of work, but in my mind it was well worth it getting my daughter out of a very bad situation.
Estimated Hit to Net Worth:
- The legal fees for this proceeding totaled $50k
- Cost of coverage/lost potential earnings estimated at $25k
Superpower Take-home points: Same as in Mistake 7a.
The grand financial loss of the preceding mistakes?
A staggering $2,000,100
- Wow. This actually is the first time I have ever assigned a dollar amount to what the path I chose actually cost me (and honestly I believe an underestimation) and it truly is an eye-opener.
- To put this in perspective, using a 4% safe withdrawal rate described in many retirement projection studies, this amount would have provided $80,004/yr.
There you have it. Granted I didn’t make every mistake in the book (somehow avoided the whole life insurance trap), but I did come close. I truly went through a Trial By Fire to get to the FIRE philosophy I now subscribe to.
The financial transformation I took part in is truly a remarkable turnaround and that grand financial loss of all my mistakes is now just a tiny speck in the rear-view mirror of life.
I am thankful for the amazing group of financial bloggers who have aided me with their support and advice and I would love to be able to pay it forward to you.
“Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.”-Dale Carnegie
I do hope you have found this fledgling blog interesting enough to continue to follow me. I am excited what the future holds for this venture and hope to see it to it’s fruition.
How many of these mistakes have you personally endured or avoided? Please comment below.
-Xrayvsn
(And don’t forget to subscribe to this blog to be always notified of new posts)
NOTE: The website XRAYVSN contains affiliate links and thus receives compensation whenever a purchase through these links is made (at no further cost to you). As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Although these proceeds help keep this site going they do not have any bearing on the reviews of any products I endorse which are from my own honest experiences. Thank you- XRAYVSN
So sorry for the pain that caused. Your financial loss was equivalent to the average American’s lifetime earnings. Choosing a spouse carefully and nurturing that relationship is a huge financial win. You are also showing us that big financial blows are not nails in your coffin, as they can be overcome.
Dr. Cory S. Fawcett
Prescription for Financial Success
Appreciate the sentiment. I was a bit floored when I added it all up for the first time. Was a bit depressing to see that final number but luckily it was not an insurmountable loss given the salary a physician makes. All it needed was direction and a goal to channel it to net worth building assets. That shift in behavior made all the difference in the world and got me finally on the right path
Wow. You have truly walked a hard road. I’m sorry to hear all of the suffering you have had to endure, but you have provided a great example of resiliency (both financial and emotional) for the rest of us. I cringed at the final dollar cost, but more at the loss of time with your daughter. Money, even millions, is nothing compared to the value of spending time with your children. I’m so happy to hear the happy ending to that situation at least.
– Ray
Thank you Ray. Yes, the loss of my daughter was the worst thing out of all which is saying a lot because for 7 years I was miserable being linked to the person I had married. The emotional resiliency came through a lot of support from friends, colleagues, and even strangers on the internet (which is when I first got introduced to the Bogleheads who were extremely supportive and helpful). Part of me is still very bitter at the stolen time of watching my daughter in her formative years but that part is slowly getting buried too as new memories… Read more »
I’m glad she lost the civil suit…what was wrong with her? Like biochemically? How did your daughter fare with her?
Now write a post series of everything you done right! And about your remarriage! 🙂
Yeah she was diagnosed with a condition, some readers may even guess correctly, but I will probably leave it at that. My daughter surprisingly was resilient enough that since she has come back to the US has acclimated amazingly. She’s very bright and great socially so you couldn’t tell anything by looking at her or how she acts what kind of stuff she was put through.
My upcoming posts are exactly some of the stuff that allowed me to reverse my fortune and do a 180. Not married yet, but that’s definitely something in the works.
I can’t imagine the dark times you had to go through. I’m glad you have custody of your daughter now. And even though your ex-wife wronged you in so many ways, I hope she is in a better place too. Looking forward to your future posts.
I appreciate the sentiment. I can’t say I share your feelings about my ex. That is probably something that I could never forgive even if there was mental illness. I’m afraid I’m just not that big of a man for that one issue. The dark times were bad, but my life has changed so much for the better that to get to this place it was worth getting rid of the weight holding me down.
Well XRV, To not have seen your daughter between ages 4-10 is beyond heartbreaking. Children cope but how are you holding up? I am sure you are maximizing your time with her now. XRV, money comes and goes. If you follow good habits, you will be a wealthy man financially. You could not control the series of horrendous events that have happened. But having your daughter with you now is about putting her above even the FIRE. The money will come but time with her now will not if squandered. You get to control the story now. I wish you… Read more »
Very touched by your comment. Thank you for writing that. I can’t say I came through the terrible times unscathed. I used to be a lot more trusting (I used to believe in the fairy tale ending and antiquated notion that if you are in the right it will play out so in the legal system). Both got crushed. Took me a very long time afterwards to pick up pieces. I became overweight and stayed on couch for 2 yrs not even dating. Finally decided she took so much from me and I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction… Read more »
Man, I’m sorry you went through all that crap to come out the other side. I’m glad you did though, and are here to tell us about it.
So I did buy a whole life insurance policy once. From my brother (who was an insurance agent for like one minute). I cash dit in years ago.
Thanks DocG. It almost makes me regret I didn’t get a whole life policy bc then I could have truly said I made every mistake. But I did come pretty close (and hopefully not a record anyone tries to break)
XRV, I’m so sorry for what you went through. I am very happy to see you recover. We are all rooting for your success. The best is yet to come. God bless .
Thank you the kind words. The remainder of my posts they I have in the que I promise are much more upbeat.
Man that’s tough. I’m glad you got your daughter and that made it a happy outcome. I wish you nothing but success and happiness going forward. Thanks for sharing your story.
I agree that the PF community is a big help and has provided a ton of education and insight for me as well.
Thank you so much for the kind words. Been really touched with all the kind comments from everyone who has visited this site
So glad to hear you have your daughter now and are both in a better place in general. It may be no consolation to you now that you know that your divorce cost you a little more than $1M in total, but I’m sure there are people out there who are in your 31-year-old’s-self situation that might read this and take heed. I will say as I went through this and looked at your total estimated loss to net worth, I’m not sure you are being fair to yourself in the way you are interpreting it that final number. Keep… Read more »
I appreciate the comment 🙂 Yeah if someone reads this and makes a change that would prevent them from repeating this or any of my other mistakes, that would be a very rewarding feeling for me. I agree about the cost of education probably should be lowered some to compensate for the net benefit effect of it resulting in a high paying salary. I probably should have calculated the cost of interest over 22 years minus the cost of interest over 2-3 years (which is what White Coat Investor recommends paying off your student loan debt) as the true mistake… Read more »
Same deal as you, but a couple of points. First, picking a spouse carefully and nurturing the relationship means nothing when people develop mental illness or addiction later in life. My ex wife was first in our medical school class. Go figure. Second, I lost not only a million in the divorce but won custody of six children; educating them cost a million too. You can’t force a spouse to contribute support after 18. Last: mentally ill people can’t settle a divorce inexpensively. Their lawyers would rather have a judge do it than get sued by their client later, plus… Read more »
Wow Bob. So sorry to hear how closely your path mirrored mine. I truly feel her lawyer was using every excuse to bill as much as possible as well as to go after my perceived “deep pockets”. I guarantee you if I was a teacher or mailman there was no way she would have gone as aggressively like she did. It was a perfect storm of unscrupulous lawyer and a mental client. My path to recovery was quicker than yours as I eclipsed the net worth I had at time of divorce and then some by 47. But I only… Read more »
[…] I have pretty much made every mistake in the book….(Part IVb) […]
You are incredibly resilient. I guess the bright side of all this is because you have full custody you NEVER have to see your ex-wife again. Only people who have sat as a defendant know the gut-wrenching feeling when an attorney asks for a settlement of $2.5 mill. My experience with this was a malpractice case. Lucky for me I won but it sucked up oxygen for 5 years. I feel your blog is very cathartic.
[…] She and her lawyer then created a frivolous civil lawsuit against me, asking for $4 million in emotional damages. Mind you my net worth at this point was negative as I still had student loans, a home that was underwater due to the real estate crash, and all my savings had been decimated from the divorce itself. […]
Yikes! 2M is a fair wad of bills.
Still, it’s the price of freedom.
It was definitely a painful financial lesson but I am so much happier now without that toxic person in my life. Thanks for dropping by and I appreciate the comment
[…] hands off of my vindictive ex when I finally divorced her, but unfortunately her lawyer and her had one last parting shot at me that caused me to incur another $225k of expenses when all was said and […]
[…] hands off of my vindictive ex when I finally divorced her, but unfortunately her lawyer and her had one last parting shot at me that caused me to incur another $225k of expenses when all was said and […]
[…] hands off of my vindictive ex when I finally divorced her, but unfortunately her lawyer and her had one last parting shot at me that caused me to incur another $225k of expenses when all was said and […]
Terribly sorry for your pain and suffering, and thank you so much for sharing your story. Your grit is truly amazing. Family law in America is a horrible invention birthed in the post 60s -second wave feminist movement, born of the 1972 No Fault Divorce Laws. Family Law = Your Government stealing your home and your Children. Imagine that…your Government having the right to take your son or daughter, based on court proceedings that in no way, shape or form represent a fair and impartial trial by your peers. Before 1972….Women and Men were held accountable for breaching the marriage… Read more »
[…] hands off of my vindictive ex when I finally divorced her, but unfortunately her lawyer and her had one last parting shot at me that caused me to incur another $225k of expenses when all was said and […]
This was an amazing blog. Thank you for sharing your story. It shows an incredible degree of humility, maturity and hard fought insight. You and I are alike in many ways, and I am really looking forward to reading your whole site.
This comment really warmed my heart. Thank you for taking the time to put that in words. The best part of blogging has been the interaction with people I would never have come across in my normal path of life. I’m glad you found the site and hope you enjoy the many other posts I have here 🙂