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Because of leap year, it just so happens that my 48th (where I put myself under the X-ray Beam and poured my heart out in a tell-all) and 49th birthdays happen to fall on days that I normally publish posts on my blog (Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday).
Given the additional fact that I happened to start this blog on my 47th birthday (publishing it on a Monday before I switched to my current weekly schedule), I have been able to have a post published live on each of my last three birthdays.
Well I can honestly say that this 49th birthday has got to be the strangest one of them all.
Thanks to COVID-19 I will be spending my birthday where I have spent the past month or so, in my home (thankfully as properties go, it is not a bad place to be “trapped” in).
This birthday has weighed on my mind a lot more than others, with or without COVID-19.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, my father, a physician himself (Internist) and inspiration for my medical career path among other things, passed away when he was 50 (and I was 14) from pancreatic cancer.
I knew he passed away at a very young age, but it has taken me all these years to get to the point where I realize just how young he was (I could not appreciate this fully in my youth).
I honestly cannot imagine the feelings that would overcome me if I was told I would be deceased a little over a year from now and it pains me that my father had to deal with those emotions firsthand.
When he received the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer back in the 80s, as a physician he must have known it was almost a guaranteed death sentence, with a typical survival time of about 6 months.
Yet he held it together and never let my mom and I know how grave his illness truly was.
In fact I was in blissful ignorance for the majority of the time as a teenager, thinking my father would recover from his disease and things would go back to normal.
Sadly this made the harsh reality at the end even more harsher as I was not really prepared to lose my father.
Fast forward 35 years and now I find myself with a teenage child of my own, who happens to be the same age that I was at the time of my father’s death.
I can now essentially put myself in my father’s position and go down the dark path of all those emotions he must have had.
If I found out I had just one year to live, my mindset would be full of regret, just as my father had endured all those years before.
Delayed Gratification.
My life, up until recently, has always been about delayed gratification.
Put in your time now to enjoy later.
Every physician has undergone some form of delayed gratification because of the very nature of the medical training.
While most individuals leave college, enter the workforce, start a family, and live life, those individuals who are destined for a career in medicine instead thrust themselves into a machine that tests their mental and physical endurance.
Before the first cent is earned, a doctor-in-training, futher piles on to the debt mountain by typically financing medical school.
Going through residency is only slightly better because this time you finally get (under) paid for your sacrifice of time and family.
After years of training, most of us imagine that we will set ourselves for a much brighter future and truly enjoy our “golden years.”
We thus subject ourselves to this delayed gratification because of the promise of “light at the end of the tunnel.”
What if the light you are heading towards in the tunnel is an oncoming train?
Face it, none of us are getting out of here alive.
However the length of your life thread can vary.
It all depends on the 3 fates and in particular, Atropos.
It was indeed a tragedy for my father’s thread to be cut short by her.
I know he did not want to leave a young family behind.
He also would never get to enjoy the golden years he sacrificed his youth and worked so hard for.
My dark place.
It is a bit of self-torture but my father’s mortality has been on my mind lately because of this particular birthday (and I assume the next).
I imagine myself going through a similar scenario with my own daughter.
On top of the regret of not enjoying life fully in the years I had been given, the biggest pangs of sadness occur when I realize that I would never see my daughter become a successful adult in whatever career she chooses (she still is stating that she wants to be a physician) and have kids of her own.
My father never got to see me follow his footsteps and become a physician.
Nor did he ever get to see his granddaughter whom I am sure he would be over the moon about.
My daughter never got to see an amazing role model in my father as well.
I guarantee that this is a point of sorrow for all parties involved.
On a lighter note.
I realize the post up to this point has been pretty morbid, especially when today is supposed to be a day of celebration for me.
I will say I am happy to celebrate the 2nd full year of blogging which is an achievement I never envisioned when I first set out writing.
I honestly thought the creative well would dry out within a couple of months or two but so far it still seems to be producing material (this will officially be my 299th post).
Given that most blogs die in the first 100 days, to last 732 days (and counting) is indeed no small feat and only fellow bloggers can truly appreciate it.
I still am floored at the global reach this little website has obtained, with people from all corners of the world taking the time to read whatever word salad my mind can come up with.
I am especially thankful to those readers who have taken the time to comment on various posts.
It makes things far more personal and meaningful for me when I receive a comment that allows me to interact with you on a 1-on-1 level (as of this writing there have been 3626 comments with slightly less than half of them because of my responses).
One of the unheralded aspects of blogging is for me to have an outlet for my creativity, whether it be in words or images.
As a radiologist, I am particularly visually oriented, and thus take great pride in what I have created in all the Pinterest Pins associated with this blog (please check it out and see a visual timeline of my blog).
The future.
Of course no one can predict the future.
I truly hope that there are several more yards of my life thread yet to be spun by Clotho so that I can lap the sun many more times.
I have finally started beginning to truly enjoy life by now undertaking the travel I have put off for so many years (although 2020 has already laid waste to one such planned trip).
I also took a major step forward in my relationship last year, becoming engaged, and I really am looking forward to spending decades with her and enjoying all that life has to offer with her by my side.
As far as my blogging journey, I hope to keep building on that first difficult step I made two years ago and would love to see it continue to grow.
Who knows where my path takes me, both in the blogging world and personal world, but I definitely know that it is important to enjoy the journey every bit as much as the desired destination.
Stay safe my friends and thanks for being right along side me this entire time.
Note:
If you are in search of financial help, please consider enlisting the service of any of the sponsors of this blog who I feel are part of the “good guys and gals of finance.”
Even a steadfast DIY’er can sometimes gain benefit from the occasional professional input.
-Xrayvsn
NOTE: The website XRAYVSN contains affiliate links and thus receives compensation whenever a purchase through these links is made (at no further cost to you). As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Although these proceeds help keep this site going they do not have any bearing on the reviews of any products I endorse which are from my own honest experiences. Thank you- XRAYVSN
Happy birthday Doc!
Thanks Dave ?. It’s an interesting one for sure. Lol
Happy birthday! Congrats on sticking with it for 2 years!
Thanks Nathan! Yeah I am surprised how 2 yrs of blogging has flown by. Stay safe my friend
Happy birthday and congratulations on 2 years of blogging. Great job.
It is an unusual time, but we need to try to enjoy it with our loved ones.
It really isn’t all bad.
I used to defer gratification a lot more. Now, I think I’m old enough to enjoy it.
Who knows what life will bring next.
Best wishes.
-Joe
Thanks Joe for the wishes. I agree in that no matter where you are as long as you are with loved ones you are fortunate. Stay safe my friend and thanks again for the wishes
Happy Birthday to you! I, also, lost my mom early and though she saw me in a short white coat, she died in my 3rd year of medical school and never saw me in a long white coat. I mourned her loss, (dying at the age of only 59) for myself and my kids. I really am the only victim. My children have never know her and thus have no sense of loss. I really enjoy your blog and wish you continued success. Financial freedom will allow us all the enjoy our threads of life , so please blog on.… Read more »
So sorry for your loss and I can’t imagine what it was like for you to lose her in an already stressful time because of med school. I definitely relate about mourning the loss for your children because my daughter also knows nothing about my father except from photos and a few silent movies we had back then. That’s the other thing that is difficult for me is the recording media back then was so archaic that I have no record anymore of what my father even sounded and because of this I honestly can barely recall his voice anymore.… Read more »
Happy birthday! I get how you would feel this way. Losing a parent at such a young age had to be really hard. Go hug your daughter and remember how lucky you are to have her. I’ll tip a glass to you tonight!
Thanks Fred for the wishes. It is great coincidence but my daughter just took a break from her school at home session and came running down, gave me a hug and then went up right when I got this message
Xray
Thank you for sharing your personal history.
Please don’t dwell on what bad things could happen. Try to be thankful for what you have. And then try to live the best life you can.
Take a part of each day to do something that you totally enjoy.
You are helping a lot of people with your writing. Me included. Thank you.
Keep on keepin on
Thank you Badger for the kind comment. Solid advice of doing at least one enjoyable thing a day. Life is too precious to waste by being miserable. Thank you for your support as always
Dude!!!! This post gave me whiplash!
From somber and sad to you getting engaged! I cannot imagine dealing with your current dilemma with your dad’s death at an age you are approximating. Yet, you are getting engaged and starting a new life, too! So much mixed emotions.
Happy to know you over the past two years. You have mustered courage, fortitude, and – most of all – persistence.
Keep up the strong work. I love that you are starting to focus on enjoying the journey.
Jimmy / TPP
Thanks Jimmy. Yeah it certainly has been a worldwind ride for the past couple of years and blogging has been a great outlet for me to document the journey.
Thanks for the kind words and support. Hopefully this craziness resolves and the world can start healing again
Happy birthday, and congratulations on 2 years of blogging!
As for the other part of your post–rather than worrying about what you might not get to see or do, I have found the best advice is to reflect on all the awesome things you have already been able to do and experience in your 49 years so far. I bet your list could be pretty inspiring.
Here’s hoping for many more years to work on adding to that list.
Thanks got the kind words and sound advice. I definitely have postponed a lot of enjoyment in the past but the trips I have done bring me great joy and those memories will last a lifetime.
I finally turned the page a couple of years ago and started to enjoy life and travel more and hope have many more years of that in my future.
Thanks again and be safe
Very happy birthday to you and congratulations on the milestone! I’ve been a reader and big fan from the start. Your sense of humor and humanity come through in your writing, keep it up!
I also lost my father as a teenager, and your words ring very true.
Delayed gratification has gotten you to your enviable position, and you totally should enjoy the present, it will be the past awfully soon. Enjoy! ?
Hey Scotty. Thank you for the kind words and appreciate you sticking around from the very beginning of my blogging journey.
For someone who did not know a thing about blogging I am in shock I did make it 2 yrs and counting.
Sorry you shared a similar experience as mine. It was rough to go through it as a teenager and it is now tough to relive it as I am approaching my father’s age at his time of death and viewing it through his perspective.
Stay safe my friend and thank you for dropping by and commenting
Happy Birthday XRV and congrats on 2 years of excellent blogs. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading them. Hope you made something good with your Sous Vide and had some excellent birthday cake. I really can’t believe how fast time flies. Enjoy your family and time!
Thanks VP! Time certainly does fly and glad you still enjoy reading the posts.
The day was quite relaxing and actually did take out for dinner so there was no cooking by me.
Thanks again and stay safe my friend
Happy Birthday and best wishes. Congrats on the engagement.
Thanks MD. Time certainly flies by
Hi Xrayvsn, What I love most about your blog are your honesty and your dedication. This is one of my favourite posts because you put it all on the table. Please accept my condolences about your father. I also lost my father in his 50’s because of cancer, so I understand a little, although everyone is different, and grief has its own timetable. Anger, missing him, wishing he could see your accomplishments and meet your daughter … yes. Me too. On the upside, he *did* get to see your childhood and at least get an idea of the man you… Read more »
Thank you so much for the comment Melissa. That really meant a lot for me.
So sorry you lost your father as well at a way too early age.
I hope we both get many more turns around the sun so our children will never have to deal with what we went through.
Thanks again for the beautiful comment.
Xray, Happy birthday! I also constantly think of how there are more years behind me than ahead of me, but pondering the many gifts I’ve lived to see fills me with gratitude. Losing your father at a young age – there’s no dressing up that loss as anything other than painful. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure it. Yet it would seem to me you are a profoundly lucky person to have a daughter you are proud of, shelter in place comfortably (private waterfall – not bad as gilded cages go), and have disconnected from the wrong spouse so… Read more »
Thanks CD. Appreciate the wishes.
I definitely have had my share of both good luck and bad luck. Can’t complain overall as I know there are people in far worse predicaments.
Here’s hoping there is much more good than bad for both of us in our futures